


Maladjusted Living

by SeverusSnep



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Accidental overdose, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Needles, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28396716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeverusSnep/pseuds/SeverusSnep
Summary: After a spontaneous breakup, Severus reverts back to old habits
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Severus Snape
Comments: 9
Kudos: 60





	Maladjusted Living

The taste of riesling haunted Severus’ tongue. It had fizzled and fell flat, just like his chance at happiness. She had walked out the door without a word, and it was entirely his fault. No goodbye, no final word, nothing. A chill went through him as she closed the door behind her. The end. Only it wasn’t, it was so far from the end. Severus stayed rooted to the spot far after she had left. He could hardly believe what he’d done.

Severus couldn’t remember when he’d gone to bed, but woke up with the nagging thought of going to see her, yet it felt so wrong. How could he go to her when he was the one who had ended it? They had just been eating the dinner he’d cooked. She had brought wine. A memory flickered in his head of downing the rest of the bottle the night before and flopping into bed. He looked over at his nightstand and there was that godforsaken riesling. He wanted to smash the empty bottle, but didn’t have the energy. He forced himself out of bed and desperately tried to keep himself away from his dresser. He stumbled into the kitchen and started making coffee, anything to feel less dead.

After a feeble breakfast of coffee and toast, Severus plopped onto the sofa and picked up the book he was last reading. The words jumped all over the page, and none of them would stay still long enough for him to make any sense of them. He hated it, he hated the stupid ink and the stupid book. He hated reading…well…in that moment he did. Severus slammed the book shut and put it away forcefully, not wanting to touch it again. He paced around his sitting room, hating everything his eyes saw. He could feel himself cracking, but he had made a promise to himself…

* * *

Hermione had left without saying a single word. She was too afraid that she’d end up begging or crying, so she went home. She brushed her teeth too harshly, but she was desperate to get the delicious taste of his pasta out of her mouth. She didn’t know where it had gone wrong. Eight months down the drain. She knew that wasn’t very long, but she knew that she had loved him. She _did_ love him, and now she was left cold and alone. He ended it just like that; no explanation, no excuse, nothing. She took a shower, hoping she could scrub the memory of him from her. Her fists clenched as the scene of the previous day ran through her head. She had been looking forward to that dinner all week. She had come in and he was there, his arms outstretched for her to fold herself in them. He had kissed her and thanked her for the wine. _Why did he kiss me if he knew he was going to break up with me? Over dinner?! What the fuck?!_

Hermione got out of the shower and stomped to her room, still trying to make sense of the last night. _Nothing_ made sense, and it was driving her out of her mind. It had been entirely out of the blue, and she didn’t—no— _couldn’t_ understand what had prompted him to end things so suddenly. She needed answers if she was to weather this heartbreak— _wait_ — _Is this my first real breakup? Does Ron even count?_ The mail snapped her out of her thoughts. Her owl demanded its’ beak be scratched and Hermione dutifully obliged, grateful for the feathery companionship. She decided to go back to his flat, that way she could at least get her stuff and not have to see him again.

* * *

Severus couldn’t help it, he’d gone so long. He had wanted to be better because of her, but now he’d gone and fucked that up as well. It didn’t matter, nothing mattered, as long as he could get rid of the pain for just a little while. He would do anything to stop feeling. His own words echoed through his head, _never get close enough for someone to hurt you, because they will_. It was over, and all he could do was cope. The process was fairly simple, and it wasn’t as though he didn’t know what he was doing. It had been so long, and he felt a tingle of relief just thinking about it. The anticipation unnerved him ,yet he found himself nearly excited. The knowledge that this pain could fade away, even just temporarily, was all he wanted.

Severus went to his dresser and plunged his hand past all the pairs of socks, knowing exactly where it was. He sat down on the floor beside his bed and poured out a few pills from the bottle he had grabbed. Then he poured out a few more, remembering that he used to be able to take more than that. He needed it and couldn’t wait any longer. Severus felt that familiar hint of shame tugging at the edge of his vision as he summoned the needle from the drawer. He pushed it away, his need for relief overpowered him. The ritual came back to him at once, and he went through the motions. He found that sweet spot on his arm, right above a thick vein. It had always been his favorite, and now that it hadn’t been used in so long he didn’t have to worry about damaging it. He crushed up the pills and melted them down with a charm. A flick of his wand and he cleaned his arm and proceeded to make a fist. He summoned a tie and wrapped it tightly around his bicep. He watched as the vein bulged slightly and he slid the needle into it, pulling the plunger and drawing out a bit of blood as a precaution. He undid the tie on his arm and filled the needle with the melted pills before injecting it. Severus slowly slid the needle out and immediately pressed a piece of gauze to his arm, letting his head lean back on the bed. It wasn’t long before he felt as though he was being filled with liquid peace. He secured the gauze in place and climbed onto his bed, flopping down in euphoric serenity.

A while later, still in his bliss, Severus started to feel tired and clumsily crawled under the covers, ignoring how his dresser seemed to double in front of his eyes.

* * *

Hermione finished her breakfast and pulled on her coat, resolute in her decision. She would go back, ask him _why_ , collect her things, and leave. If that’s how he wanted to end things, then _fine_. She slammed the door shut and Apparated swiftly. She walked through his shop and made her way up the stairs to his flat. She knocked briskly and waited for him. After a couple minutes, she knocked again. She knew he wasn’t working, and didn’t know what could be keeping him. She knocked again and waited a few more minutes before trying the door. To her surprise, it opened. She felt his wards wash over her as she stepped inside, secretly glad that he hadn’t warded her out already.

“Severus?” She called out for him, but he didn’t answer.

Worry began to weigh on her. He would never leave without locking the door, even if he had unnecessarily strong wards up at all times. She walked through the flat, trying to find the sound of his shower running, but she couldn’t.

“Severus!” She called louder. No reply.

She began to check the rooms until she was in front of his bedroom door. She knocked and called out for him one more time. There was only silence. It had never scared her so badly before. She didn’t know how, but she just _knew_ something was wrong. She opened his door slowly and saw him curled up in his bed, the sheets twisted around him. She walked toward him and her eyes were pulled to the needle on his dresser. Her heart plummeted and she was at his side in a second. Panic coursed through her body as she saw his paler-than-usual face and blue-tinted lips. Her hands were on him, shaking him tentatively. She tried to say his name through her sobs but each attempt got stuck in her throat. He opened his eyes and she could breathe again.

“Severus, what did you do?” She cried, rubbing her hands over his shoulders and trying to coax him to get up.

“Hmmmm-ione,” he whispered.

“I’m here, I’m here. We have to get you up, okay?” She tried and failed to keep her voice steady.

“I don’t feel very well,” he mumbled.

“Okay, we’ll get you to Mungo’s, it’ll be okay,” she talked through her tears. She pulled him up to a seated position and his head drooped. Hermione struggled to yank the sheet off him.

“Hermione?” Severus muttered.

“Yes, love?”

“I um…” he grasped onto her wrist, “I can’t really… _breathe_ … right now.”

“Okay, okay. It’ll be okay. We have to go right now, alright? I’m going to Apparate us, Severus.”

“I think…I think I took… too much.” Hermione watched as he struggled to get in a full breath and felt a second wave of adrenaline start to course through her.

“Oh god, okay. Severus, honey, what did you take?” Hermione squeezed back tears.

* * *

“Diazepam,” he replied.

“Hold onto me,” Hermione instructed, and he followed her directions.

This hadn’t been a part of the plan. All he had meant to do was ease the pain for a little while, not nearly fucking kill himself. He scolded himself for not having known better. The world around him was hazy until it all blacked out. Then it appeared again in a blinding light. All he wanted was to know was where Hermione was. His eyes slowly adjusted to the light and he realized he was in St. Mungo’s Hospital. By some grace, Hermione came into his field of vision and he started to feel warmer. He looked down and saw her holding his hand. That, and she had nearly climbed onto the hospital bed with him as she was pressed up against his side.

“Hermione?”

“I’m here, it’s okay now.” Her voice sounded tired. The anxiety started to reload within him. Surely she didn’t want to be there, not after he’d just broken up with her.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

Severus watched her eyes fill with tears before she laid her head down on his chest, hands grasping at the hospital gown. He stroked her hair, not quite understanding what was happening. She lifted her head and he resisted the urge to wipe away her tears.

“You d-don’t have t-to apologize,” she stumbled over her words, “I just— that’s so dangerous, Severus. I can’t think about would have happened if I hadn’t— and what were you trying to—“ she was cut off by her own sobs that she muffled back into his chest.

“That’s not why I apologized.” Hermione’s head snapped back up to look at him, an eyebrow raised.

“I wasn’t trying to _hurt_ myself,” he stroked under her chin with his forefinger and looked at her with sincere eyes, “I just— wanted to stop the pain for a while,” he exhaled his sentence.

“The—“

“Hermione,” he cut her off, “wait, please. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have— broken up with you. It was stupid and _childish_. I was— well it doesn’t matter, I suppose…” he averted his eyes from hers, the shame clouding his vision.

“It _does_ matter. What happened? Severus it came out of nowhere…” He felt her hand return to his, and he took a deep breath,

“I was— I _am_ scared…Nothing was wrong, everything was perfect. I was so afraid the other shoe would drop, I just wanted to avoid it and— I am so stupid, Hermione. I… love you… but I understand if you’re done now.”

“I love you… and nothing bad is going to happen, Severus. We’ll be okay, I promise. I just don’t want to lose you.”

He knew exactly what she meant. He also knew he had to kick his hyper-vigilance if he was ever going to be comfortable again. He wrapped his arms around her as she moved closer to him, once again, nearly _on_ the bed. He watched her gaze drop to his mouth, already knowing what she wanted. He stayed perfectly still as she delivered the best high of his life directly to his lips. _So much for my pleasure receptors being permanently blown out_ , he mused, remembering his usage during his youth. When Hermione pulled away, there were tears in her eyes. His heart went into his stomach, _was this the other shoe_?

“Hermione.” He wiped the tears away as they fell.

* * *

“It’s okay.” She gave him a watery smile, “I’m just so glad that you’re alright now. You really scared me, you know…”

“I know… I scared _myself_ ,” he chuckled dryly, “didn’t exactly think this would happen…”

“I know, but you know it’s been so long…” she remarked.

“I should have known better…” he paused, “…Hermione you don’t have to do this.”

“Do what?”

“I can’t imagine you want to deal with this, and it’s my own damn fault. Another goddamn relapse… really, I don’t expect you to stay, it’s fine—“

“Severus, Severus, stop. I _love_ you, and I want you to be okay. You’re not just something I have to _deal_ with, and neither is a relapse. It’s _okay._ ”

“You know, I don’t understand you sometimes. How are you not disgusted with me—“

“Because there’s _nothing_ to be disgusted about!” She raised her voice and promptly dropped it, “there is no shame in this, Severus. You aren’t any less worthy of help or love because of this. You don’t need to be fixed, and I’m certainly not going to cast you aside because you used again. I don’t care— I mean, I _do_ care, I just— you’re more important… than anything else, Severus.” She kissed his forehead and cradled his face in her hands, “tell me you understand.” He forced forced back tears and mumbled,

“I understand.”

“Good,” she smiled, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He gently pulled her into his arms, releasing a breath he hadn’t realized he’d held in, “Hermione?”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t know what to do now…” he admitted.

“Will you let me help?” She asked.

“You don’t have to help—“

“No I don’t, but I love you and I want to, so will you let me?”

“Yes.”

“Then why don’t you come home with me and stay for a while. You’re always ahead of your brewing for the shop, so it’ll be fine. How does that sound?”

“Wonderful,” he smiled up at her.

* * *

Hermione brought Severus back to her house after he was discharged from Mungo’s. He already had clothes there, as well as any other things he would need. She watched him as he sat down in his usual spot on her sofa and held his face in his hands. She went to sit next to him and rubbed his back until he looked over at her.  
“What’s on your mind?” She inquired.

“Just wondering why we hadn’t moved in together,” he stated. A laugh escaped Hermione’s mouth before she had a chance to suppress it. He shot her a look.

“I just—,” she began, “ _that’s_ what you’re thinking about? After what’s just happened?” Her tone became apologetic.

“You know it wasn’t the first time… I’m not exactly fazed anymore. I mean— I was surprised considering it’s not what I had intended, but I can’t say I didn’t know it was a possibility,” he explained.

“Well…I suppose that makes sense… To address your question: I don’t really know why we haven’t yet either…”

“Well perhaps isn’t the time…just… something to think about…” he mused.

Hermione moved in closer, cuddling into his side. He chuckled and wrapped an arm around her.

“We’ll figure it out… eventually,” she promised.

“Oh Merlin, I don’t know what I did right to have you in my life,” Severus breathed. Hermione snuggled in closer, peppering his cheek with kisses. She felt the whole room light up with his smile.

“I love you, Severus. It’ll be okay,’ she assured, stroking his face.

“Mmmm, I love you too,” he murmured as he rested his head atop hers and let his exhaustion lull him into a sweet sleep. He would be okay, and with Hermione’s help, he would learn how to be happy once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! :)


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